Creating Calm in Chaos

Are you in a season of your life that feels stormy?
 
Maybe you are caring for an elderly parent, battling depression, ending your marriage, or experiencing a loss of health, faith, or financial security. Regardless of what it is, life shifts can cause suffering, various levels of discomfort, and a general sense of chaos. The following ideas will support you create a sense of calm within the chaos. 
 
Return to Your Breath – Place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Take a deep inhale and exhale... in through the nose and out through your nose... feel your chest and belly rise gently underneath your hands as your breathe. Repeat the practice until your thoughts soften, your jaw unclenches, and your mind gently slips back into the present moment.
 
When we are experiencing emotional or physical pain our thoughts are often busy digging around in the past or trying to frantically organize the future. When we return to our breath we invite our mind back to the only moment we truly have power and control over – the here and now. The sympathetic nervous system is calmed that allows our fight-or-flight response to soften. Returning to our breath and to the present moment is one of the quickest ways to both honor and reduce our suffering. 
 
Create Stillness – Sometimes the last thing we want to do is sit with our suffering. We tend to be afraid of letting ourselves feel pain. So, we opt for numbing behavior that provides an immediate distraction. What behaviors do you gravitate towards when you want to numb? Do you start scrolling through social media, or pressing “next episode” over and over again, working longer hours, or creating a busy schedule to try and outrun the discomfort? Do you feed the chaos instead of quietly sitting in it?
 
In her book The Gifts of Imperfections: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brené Brown states: “We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” Therefore, we can not numb pain without also numbing hope, joy, and peace. Creating stillness in our lives provides us the opportunity to connect internally, acknowledge our suffering, and invite healing to occur.

How can you foster more stillness in your life to challenge the chaos? Consider the ways you like to be still and ask if it is realistic to set aside 1-15 minutes a day to simply breathe and check back in with your mind and body. Could you adopt a mindfulness practice such as meditation? Would utilizing a meditation app on your phone help you begin to foster stillness? What is one thing you could add or subtract in your daily routine that would cultivate more stillness? One tip is to combine the practice of stillness with something you already do. For example, I have added a few deeps breaths and a minute of reflection before checking my emails, something I do habitually throughout the day. Creating stillness is one of the healthiest ways to challenge the chaos you may be experiencing internally and externally.
 
While connecting to your breath and body is an important step in navigating suffering, connecting with others is also an important part of weathering personal storms. Suffering can be an incredibly isolating experience. Connecting with those worthy to share your experience with can alleviate some of the loneliness of the journey. As you explore ways to foster connection, the following options may be worth considering:

          • join an in-person support group
          • prioritize taking time to talk to close friends or trusted family members
          • lean on the companionship of a spouse/partner
          • utilize online support groups tailored to your specific need
 
If you are finding it hard to reach out and foster connection, dig deep and explore what is holding you back – is it fear?
 
One of the barriers we can face when fostering connection is we don’t feel ready to share the details of our trails or challenges with others, even with those close to us. To address this, we can set boundaries surrounding what we are willing to share, while still accepting support and connection. For example, would a loved one understand if you said “I’m not ready to share what I’m up against right now, but I could really use some quality time together” or “I’m struggling and not ready to talk about the details, but I would benefit from your love and support right now. I could really use a weekly phone call…”.
 
Often times when we need support we need to let our support team know how we feel cared for and comforted – after all, they can’t read our minds. As you reach out to others to foster connection in the chaos can you make an effort to specify what type of help and support you are looking for?
 
As humans, we are hardwired for connection and it is needed and important in seasons of distress. Connection with others has proven to reduce our physical and emotional suffering while prolonged loneliness can have catastrophic long-term health consequences. So, consider setting a connection goal daily and/or weekly in times of stress to help foster the additional support you may need. 
 
As you foster and create calm in the chaos, set aside time to nurture a connection with others. I'd love to hear from you. What are some other ways you can think of that this might become a regular possibility in your life? What are some of the things holding you back? What has worked for you in connecting with others in times of stress that others reading this might find useful?

This blog post was all posted on Symmetry Solutions, LLC's blog. You can find the links here:

- https://www.symmetrysols.com/single-post/2017/02/27/Creating-Calm-in-Chaos---Part-1

- https://www.symmetrysols.com/single-post/2017/10/17/Creating-Calm-in-the-Chaos---Part-2

Changing The Questions We Ask During a Faith Transition

Are your difficult conversations stuck on repeat? Do you feel like you are getting nowhere with your loved ones and friends? If so, consider changing up the questions you keep asking.

I often have the privilege of working with clients who are experiencing a faith crisis or faith transition. I also work closely with families, parents, and couples who have had a family member, child, or spouse make the decision to transition from a previously held faith tradition. I consider this work to be some of the most tender and meaningful work I do because when there is a willingness to choose love, practice respect, and surrender one’s ego (meaning letting go of what you want for someone and honoring their choices as truly only theirs to make) there is an opportunity for relationships to not only be saved but strengthened.
 
The most commonly asked question of someone who leaves a faith tradition is “why?” It seems like a simple enough question - but it is anything but simple. The reasons it is asked and how it is answered can be as complicated and unique as those both asking and answering the question. Usually, these conversations go nowhere, people become naturally defensive, feelings are hurt, and relationships are strained. Explaining to a believer why someone no longer believes is a delicate dance and vice-versa.
 
The times I have seen it be done successfully is when the person asking the question is truly ready to LISTEN, while following up with love and respect for the differences expressed. Most of us haven’t practiced that level of maturity, especially when discussing what we hold as sacred. So, if our goal is to love others and save and strengthen relationships can we try to change the questions we are asking?
 
It’s worth a try. Here are some examples of how to change up our conversations regarding faith differences:

• How can I support you in spiritually thriving, even though that might look different than before? 
• Honoring our differences, what can I do to show you I love and support you?
• What is important for me to know about your faith journey/experience so I can demonstrate more empathy?
• How can we safely talk about what we still mutually believe in so I know where our common ground is? (Examples being: kindness, love, the importance of family etc.)
• What verbal reassurance or behaviors do you need from me to know our friendship isn’t contingent on your religious affiliation?
• What more can I be doing to show my love and respect for you?

Can you see how these questions have the ability to change the outcome of a conversation while strengthening connection? So ask yourself, what conversations am I continuously struggling with and how can I reframe the questions for a different outcome?

This blog post can also be found on Symmetry Solutions, LLC blog here: https://www.symmetrysols.com/single-post/2017/12/08/Changing-the-Questions-We-Ask-During-a-Faith-Transition

How to Expose and Challenge the Lies Anxiety Tells Us

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. Anxiety lies! Anxiety is a lying liar who lies! I'd yell it from the rooftop if I could. Anxiety is a master manipulator and it exaggerates the truth until it is blue in the face.  Anxiety has a tendency highlight our biggest fears and weaknesses without taking into account our strengths, capabilities, or our lived experiences of continually doing hard things. Anxiety shoves reality out the window and sets up camp in our mind and body while it begins preaching doom and gloom to our soul. Anxiety will remind us of the worst case scenarios but will never mention all the times it has been dead wrong. It always skips over all the lies it told us that never came true. 

While anxiety tends to be a hindrance to us currently, historically and genetically, our anxiety served an important purpose for our ancestors, it was an evolutionary adaptation (EEA) to avoid danger and harm. In potentially dangerous situations, the physical and emotional sensations of anxiety caused our ancestors to respond by fighting (escalating behavior) or fleeing (de-escalating behavior) to respond to dangerous situations. 

Today our brains remain programmed to reduce harm and experience an increased sense of safety. While our brains' responses have remained relatively the same, what we now interpret as dangerous and anxiety provoking has morphed and changed with time. For individuals experiencing anxiety, the sensation related to having to make a phone call, showing up at a holiday party, braving winter roads, or having a hard conversation with a family member can produce the same physiological responses as staring down a sabertooth tiger. This is why anxiety is a tricky, tricky, lying, liar because the stimulus that causes us to experience such physical and emotional discomfort usually isn't as dangerous as our anxiety tell us it is. For example, for someone who has anxiety, making a phone call may feel as scary as staring down a sabertooth tiger but in actuality, their lives are NOT at risk. Very rarely are people harmed in the making of a restaurant reservation, and yet it can feel terrifying to do so. 

So how do we realign our minds and bodies, bring them back into reality, and challenge our bodily fear responses? Challenging and treating anxiety requires individuals to be both aware and brave. First, we need to become more aware of how our anxiety manifests itself in our lives. Consider asking yourself the following: 

• What are the physical signs and symptoms that I'm experiencing anxiety? Where do I feel it in my body?
  • Example: Racing heartbeat, sweaty palms, pressure on the chest, blotchy skin on neck and chest. Right now, my anxiety feels like it is living in my stomach. 
• What thought patterns do you I often experience that create or increase my anxiety?
  • Example: "I'm not good enough", "No one will talk to me." "I always mess up", "Everyone notices my flaws", "Everyone thinking I'm weird", and "I can't do anything right", "Nothing ever works out", or "I shouldn't even try, it won't be perfect enough".
• What are the people, situations, or environments that triggers me to experience anxiety?
  • Example: Social situations, taking a test, talking about money, asking for help, when I'm really tired when I have low blood sugar, or after a major disappointment, or when I'm feeling really incompetent and/or vulnerable. 

Second, we need to practice being brave! While awareness is an important first step, it often isn't enough to quiet the lies anxiety tell us.  To tackle anxiety, especially social anxiety, we need to expose ourselves to what we're most afraid of to prove that our anxiety is being dishonest and that it is actively distorting reality. This is only appropriate when what we are anxious about doesn't pose an actual risk to our mind, bodies, or spirit. If you have anxiety about going into dark alleys in the middle of the night, that anxiety seems to be warning you of appropriate an realistic possible harm - let's listen to it. In therapy, we utilize exposure therapy as a way of being brave, challenging anxiety, and showing it who is boss. This means we expose or experience the situations that usually cause us anxiety, armed with the improved coping mechanism, and then follow up the experience with a strong dose of reflection to compare what anxiety told us would happen and what ACTUALLY happened.

Reflecting on being brave might include asking ourselves questions like:

• What did the experience feel like in my body? Was the story my anxiety told me about the situation, (holiday party, taking a test, making a phone call) match up with the experience I actually had?
• What was "real" about what just happened?  Reflect on the experience you just had - what actually happened?  
  • Example: That going into the doctor's office and requesting more information wasn't as bad as I thought it would be...
• Did my anxiety lie to me? If so, how can I recognize and challenge my anxiety in the future so I can tell it to shut up? 
• Do the lies my anxiety tell me have a regular pattern?
  • Example: Yes, my anxiety continually exaggerates how uncomfortable a situation might be, when the reality is that most of the time, it's okay, or at the very worst, tolerable.

To recap, anxiety lies and it's up to you to expose how anxiety shows up in your mind and body and to challenge it! To practice challenging the lies anxiety tells you, consider the following steps:

1. Identify the Lie - Name the message or potential lie that your anxiety is telling you

Example: My anxiety is telling me that no one will like me, so I shouldn't even try to make friends.

2. Name Your Fear - Name your biggest fear about the anxiety-producing situation 

Example: My biggest fear is that if I'm myself when I meet new people, no one will like me. 

3. Interrogate your Anxiety - Put the messages your anxiety is telling you on trial. What's the evidence that your anxiety is telling the truth? What evidence proves this message to be incorrect? Pretend you're Matlock or Olivia Benson and integrate your anxiety. Be fierce my friends, be fierce. (Fun fact: The practice of cultivating awareness and distance from our thoughts is the basis of Cognitive Behavior Therapy.)

Example: Well actually, when I'm being myself I do find that people like me and I'm able to make friends. I'm a kind and loyal friend. It's when I listen to my anxiety that I end up acting off, I resort to being really quiet and distant, and not giving others the opportunity to get to know me. My anxiety does have some truth to it, not everyone is going to like me, but at the same time, not everyone is going to NOT like me. You win some, you lose some. 

4. Practice Being BRAVE! As long as the anxiety-producing situation doesn't pose an actual threat to your mind, body, and spirit - practice stepping into the situations that cause you anxiety, with the help and reassurance of anxiety management coping skills (deep breathing, having a plan, writing a script, utilizing a support person or wing-man, etc). This means you show up at the holiday party, try a new hobby, have the hard conversation, and make the phone call. You practice doing exactly what you're anxiety is telling you not to do. 

When we face what feels like our personal sabertooth tigers, with our coping mechanisms in hand, we prove to our mind and body that the reality of what we are most scared of is actually not a life or death threat. Instead, our sabertooth tiger is a customer service representative named 'Dan' who was really nice and more than willing to talk us through a payment plan for our medical bills. 

5. Remember to Reflect - this step is often missed but it is VERY important if our goal is to really shut-up anxiety longterm. AFTER being brave and surviving an anxiety-producing event, taking the time to remember the messages and lies your anxiety told you and comparing it to what actually happened is important because you begin to identify and shut down anxiety patterns. You start to expose your anxiety as a fraud and the lying liar that it is As a result, you start to believe your anxiety less. 

For example, say your anxiety always lies and says you'll never enjoy yourself in social situations because you always say dumb things, so to reduce feeling anxiety and discomfort you opt to stay in most nights. However, you're brave and go out with friends and have an enjoyable experience, you say a few dumb things but so does everyone else! You come home and before you forget the lies your anxiety told you, you reflect that your anxiety often is super critical of how YOU will act but it's very gracious and forgiving towards how others act. You begin to notice a pattern that your anxiety tends to exaggerate your actions and how you will be perceived by others. You notice a pattern that your anxiety always lies about how others will view you but in reality, those same friends you think you act stupid in front of, who are embarrassed by you, keep asking you to spend time with them!

Stepping away and exploring our experiences right AFTER an anxiety-producing experience can teach us a great deal. So, the next time you are brave and show up to face your anxiety and experience the relief of passing the test or having the hard conversation you've been dreading, take a few minutes and reflect and put your anxiety in its place!

I want to take a minute to acknowledge that some people experience "free-floating" anxiety or Generalized Anxiety Disorder where an aspect of their anxiety is not always rooted in facing specific situations. While the steps above remain an important foundation for challenging anxiety-producing thoughts and experiences, sometimes a gentle surrender is often required for free-floating anxiety where the anxiety is simply noticed, the person acknowledges they can't identify its source, and they practice sitting with their anxiety without feeling the need to solve it or act on it. Instead, they remind themselves their anxiety will pass or lesson with time while utilizing appropriate coping mechanisms like mindfulness or deep breathing. In the near future, I'll write a blog post on how we can learn to mindfully sit with our free-floating anxiety. 

I hope these simple tips and tricks help you have a more honest relationship with yourself, your anxiety, and that you begin to challenge the lies anxiety often tell you! Just like everything else, it takes practice, self-compassion, a bit of failure, and a willingness to try again. 

Feel free to leave any comments or questions in the comments section below!

- Sara Hughes-Zabawa